the categories of not-so friends.

you have a lot of friends. neat, congratulations. but out of those friends, i know you have at least one that will fit into each of these categories. don't feel guilty, you're not a bad person.

the stalker.

this is the most common of the not-so friends, because they require the most effort to fend off. they want to know everything you're doing, when you're doing it, and how you're doing it. want to know? okay, i'm sitting pantless in my bed reading harry potter with celine dion's "taking chances" whispering me sweet nothings in the background. now will you leave me alone? oh, you want to join? good lord, i underestimated you. you "run into" them on occasion, and by occasion i mean daily, but when you think about it they probably saw your tweet, facebook status, or were sitting the next street over waiting to follow you.

the karen.

if you don't know of "the karen," then 1) you don't watch dane cook (in which, you are a disgrace.) or 2) you are the karen and your friends don't want to bring up the stand up joke because that's painfully awkward. the karen is the friend nobody likes. everyone is nice to karen's face, but the second she leaves to go to the bathroom, eeeeeeveryone's talking about how lame karen is and how much everyone hates her. she's the source of all jokes. the insult of all insults. the fallback when you run out of other things to talk about with someone. the whole shebang. oh, and if you think that your group doesn't have a karen, then you are the karen. congrats, karen, you're the mvp of not-so friends.

the self esteem booster.

the friend that just makes you feel a little more confident that you are possibly accomplishing more in life. they're a great person, but could be dumber than an armadillo. bless them. you raise me up so i can stand on mountains.

the too cool to be friends with me-er.

self explanatory. they make you feel like you're cool. which lasts about a whopping five seconds. now that i think about it, i probably have this cooler not-so friend so that i can be their self esteem booster not-so friend. to be determined.

the class one.

this is the person you sit next to in one class. your friendship is based on a mere 2 hours a week together, and mostly because you're talking complete trash about your teacher. all you know is their name, their major, and their grade in the class. if your grade is higher, you've killed two birds with one stone with the self esteem booster and the class not-so friend. how economically friendly and convential. the second you take the final exam, you won't hear from them again. peace out, girl scout.

the competitive one/one-upper.

i looooove to hate this this champ. i'm competitive. there, i said it. my conflict resolution is competitiveness (thanks, pi phi leading with values for reminding me i'm relentless.) although, that's where i stop. this not-so friend is also the one-up friend. so annoying. wahwah my life is worse, wahwah i got a higher score, wahwah my dogs purple and was born before yours, wahwah you have a pool? i have an ocean in my backyard. although, penelope from snl makes me wet my pants and fall out of my chair while portraying this friend perfectly. she does a far better job than i do. she'll even tell you so, sooooooooo.

the we should hang out soon friend.

at least this person is consistent. the only thing they ever say to you in "we should get together soon!" you won't. let's be honest.

and my personal favorite,

the i've-never-met-you-in-person-but-we're-on-facebook-friend.

these are the best, especially for the first time you meet them. like, "hi, i'm savannah." and i'm all like "oh girl, i know. you also went to blahblahblah high school and played volleyball and ~*~iT's YouR LyFeEeE~*~ and your boyfriend broke up with you last week and you had a crazy time at that party last weekend. was that in your "the road goes on forever, but the party never ends" album? i loved it. i'm sorry, too far? i'm abby, nice to meet you. i'll just let myself out."

not-so friends are the best. fin.