i don't feel like having a witty intro to my post today. let's just start. i have at least 5 awkward things happen to me on a daily basis. because my life sucks like that.
1. waving back to people who aren't waving at me.
yesterday, i had a woman wave at me from her car. she looked really excited, and so i was like "i don't know who in the world she is and she obviously knows who i am." (i mean, who doesn't.) i could have just waved, but i pretended to be just as excited as she was. i even said hey. who said chivalry was dead?
not only was it embarrassing when i found out she actually wasn't waving to me, she had to reiterate it when we ran into each other at the drink machine for my 49th iced tea refill. she tapped my shoulder and says "i'm so sorry that i misled you to think i was waving at you. i'm sorry i put you in that uncomfortable position." wutdahail? but what did i do? rambled, duh. i kid you not. i just kept going. "oh no it's totally fine, i mean it happens to me all the time. who do i think i am? you'd think i'd learn. but i don't. i mean, all the time. it's humbling really. so humbling. like that big old piece of humble pie right in my mouth. am i still talking?"
2. saying "you too" to people who aren't going to do the same thing
like number one, this wouldn't be as bad if i just shut my fracking mouth. like when waiters say enjoy your meal, and i say "oh, you too!" they probably don't think twice about it, but then i have to go all super overachieving and say "oh wait. you're not eating too. you work here. oh god, this is awkward." it probably would have been fine. now they think i have some form of tourettes (to be determined.) this also happens at the movies when i'm told to enjoy my movie. except i'm asking the ticket guy on a date. you think i'm joking. juan is hot. i'm sly.
3. being in an elevator
i really need to work on this. whenever it's just me and one other person in the elevator, i without fail always say "oh gosh, this is awkward. isn't it?" why do i do that? seriously? it just vomits out of my mouth. what's awkward about an elevator, you ask? sorry for thinking being in a 4 square foot box with a potential rapist is uncomfortable. i already sprayed my pepper spray in my own eyes while sitting through my summer school speech class.
4. when someone says "what's up?" and i say "good."
okay, now i'm just realizing i suck at everything socially interacting.
5. when i ask someone at a store a question and they actually don't work there.
this doesn't happen daily, but enough to where it's ridiculous that i keep making the same mistake. it mostly happens at heb because someone is wearing a that "i want to blend in with my grandmother's tope purse" tan shirt or at heb or target when someone's wearing a red polo. i need to get this together.
6. sneezing and farting at the same time.
i. kid. you. not. this has happened to me four times in my life. once when i was 11 during the taks test and TWICE this past year in classes and once in the einstein's bagels line. seriously. life hates me. snarting sucks. don't ever try it.
recap: i suck at life. you are better than i am at being any sort of social or redeeming yourself from a situation you put yourself into. this almost doubles as inspiration. and i'm your self esteem booster not-so friend. my gift to you. you're welcome.
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