fail friday, finally.

i've been terrible lately. sorry about it. not really. i've been sleeping a lot. and kind of being social. the second part is just a little false. first part, totally.

fail friday. let's go.

wahahahah. he harold pan-ed that boy.

happy weekend. until monday. maybe. i like to keep you on the edge of your seat. all 5 of you.

heroes (heros? shoot.) of the summer.

i don't know if its heros or heroes and i truly couldn't care less. i could google it if i want to, but it's already 8:30 and i haven't posted today and people are getting ancy. keep your pants on. regardless, (oh harold pan, the transitional phrases you have provided me.) here go some hero(e)s i've met this summer.

harold pan.

i know for a fact 89% of you all guessed this person. seriously, harold has changed my life. he taught me to never not fly southwest airlines and never not go to chase bank. i can safely say that he has changed most of your lives too. harold pan is the reasons babies don't cry at night, the reason the sun shines a little brighter, and the reason i go to speech class at 4 in the afternoon.

johanne.

if i haven't had the incredible pleasure of introducing you to johanne, let me do so. johanne was also in my summer school speech class and took it far too seriously. and sentence the teacher said she would listen to vicariously and always give an "uh huh" and the end of a phrase. she also gave an informative speech about trans fat and how dna and rna produce protein, whereas i, being the overachiever, reused my college admissions essay about my trip to frontier ranch. for her persuasive speech, she gave a speech about the prisoners at guantanamo bay. what are you trying to persuade me to do johanne, not go to cuba? congratulations. i also had to do a partner speech with her as to why rock and roll was better than rap and she said don't stop believing 27 different kinds of wrong.

i also had sue sylvester check me out at the grocery store. my life is better than yours for this sole reason. i can go back to college station now. summer is complete.

3 small people, 3 huge impacts for bettering my quality of life. and abdominals.

terryclothin' it.

no post tuesday. sorry to break your heart. then again, i am here now, so pick your battles.

today, you will hear about my embarrassing story. believe it or not, i embarrassed myself this morning. i know this rarely happens due to my rico suave personality and i live life relatively smoothly, so seize the moment. look, i'll stop lying and jump to humilation.

this morning, i took a shower. it was a wednesday, so i was obligated to take my bi-weekly rinse off to get me through saturday. i was frantically trying to get ready for a lunch at 1145, so i was running around and frolicking throughout my house in my towel. as i was already sweating from this (shocker.) i realized "oh heeeeeeeck nah i haven't had my coffee yet." so then i frantically start to make my coffee. and then i realize "oh heeeeeck nah my coffee thermos is in my car." mind you, i'm still in my terrycloth ensemble. i think to myself, "it'll be fine, i'm just running to my car and i live on a kuldesac, no one will see me." ha. so here i am, running to my car, and of course THE GARBAGE MAN IS WALKING TO THE BACK OF OUR HOUSE TO GET OUR TRASH. sounds like his lucky day. although, i'm 67% sure he vomited in the trash can once he passed me, because i had mascara running down my face like mufasa or a crack addict and a towel on, while sweating. good morning to you, sir. also keep in mind i am painfully awkward, so of course i have to say something. so "oh gosh, hi. i'm just getting my coffee cup, but i just got out of the shower and didn't have time to get dressed to get it" comes catapulting out of my mouth.

1) how do i not have time to get dressed? get yourself together, ab.

2) why didn't i just walk back inside?

3) WHY DID I TALK TO HIM?

you give me legitimate solutions, i give you legitimate love.

this story was not as funny as i anticipating look back. not as funny as when i sneezed and farted during the taks test. or played handbells when i was 7. or farted on national television during a somersault. or had my pants rip from top of bottom during school. you win some, you lose some. for me, i lose all the time.

inspiration 4.

understanding will never bring you peace. that's why He has instructed you to trust in Him, not in your understanding. human beings have a voracious appetite for trying to figure things out, in order to gain a sense of mastery over their lives. but the world presents you with an endless series of problems. as soon as you master one set, another pops up to challenge you. the relief you had anticipated is short lived. soon your mind is gearing up again: searching for understanding (mastery), instead of seeking Him (your Master).

His peace is not an elusive goal, hidden at the center of some complicated maze. actually, you are always enveloped in peace, which is inherent in His presence. as you look to Him, you gain awareness of this precious peace.

proverbs 3:5-6, romans 5:1, 2 thessalonians 3:16

fail friday.

it's that time.

ouch.

bad lyrics, part two.

oh poor music lyrics, you are so good to me.

ps sorry for not posting this week. 1) i'm going to bed at 830 every night recovering from my trip and 2) i can't get my mind off my trip and i want to go back to haiti, so sass takes a backseat. sorry about it.

love the way you lie - eminem

this song is the tory burch knockoff of "airplanes." throw in a verse of rap, then slow singing. really. except that eminem is sorry compared to b.o.b. what does b.o.b. even stand for? box of bums. bunks on beds. bops on brains. something like that. but, anyways.

"now you get to watch her leave out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane."

this pun/play on words is just about as good as my high school economics teacher's. the man that hits you with his belly when he walks by and says "excuse you." talk about a fun sucker. pane/pain. it hurts my soul. come on, skittle boy. m&m. see? my jokes are better. i'll just stand there and watch you burn. but it's alright because you like the way it hurts.

sk8r boi - avril lavigne

that hurt my fingers just to type. an 8 should never be in a word.

"he was a boy, she was a girl, can i make it any more obvious?"

no. human anatomy is as obvious as it gets. but thanks for offering to help. sorry a-boot it.

all the things i've done - the killers

"i've got soul but i'm not a soldier."

not only is this lyric dumb, but it gets dumber all 500 times he says it. repetition for effect? repetition for nausea. it's kind of like saying i've got bills but i'm not a billfold. i've got cheese, but i'm not a cheesegrater. you tell me how much sense that makes.

ironic - alanis morrisette

"it's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife, isn't is ironic, don't you think? it's like rain on your wedding day, it's a free ride when you've already paid."

clearly alanis didn't take english class. she didn't learn the true definition of irony.

i·ro·ny

¹    [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-] Show IPA

–noun, plural -nies.

1.

the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite ofits literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” whenI said I had to work all weekend.

2.

Literature .

a.

a technique of indicating, as through character or plotdevelopment, an intention or attitude opposite to thatwhich is actually or ostensibly stated.

b.

(esp. in contemporary writing) a manner of organizing awork so as to give full expression to contradictory orcomplementary impulses, attitudes, etc., esp. as ameans of indicating detachment from a subject, theme,or emotion.

3.

Socratic irony.

4.

dramatic irony.

5.

an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might havebeen, expected.

6.

the incongruity of this.

7.

an objectively sardonic style of speech or writing.

8.

an objectively or humorously sardonic utterance, disposition,quality, etc.

that's not irony, alanis. that's just a "your life sucks" moment. if it rains on my wedding day, i wouldn't say "look at this irony!" i would say "look at this rain. this sucks." oh man, i have ten thousand spoons. but all i need is a knife. so ironic. hah.

my first kiss - 3oh!3 and ke$ha

first off, too many symbols within the name. again, fingers are burning. oh, the things i do for my 4 readers.

"my first kiss went a little like this, smoooooch and twist."

take notes, because this is the two step formula. maybe now that i know this, i'll magically get a boyfriend. (if you took that seriously, i will punch you in the mouth, because you do not know me at all. ha. me in a relationship makes me laugh out loud a little bit.)

take me back to haiti.

guess who's back? back again?

sass is back. tell a friend.

what better way to redeem a week of absence than some as seen on tv's? that's what i thought.

i have no idea how to cook. i catch paper towels on fire while trying to scramble eggs. you try putting those two together. but no matter how bad i am, i never do what this infomercial says is "the issue". i'm rock bottom at cooking and cracking eggs really doesn't make my day too difficult. "and we've ALL done this!" no. we haven't. if you can't crack an egg, you have some priorities to sort out.

it's a pillow. it's a pet. it's a pet with a purpose. tell me what they purpose it serves? it's just a pillow. people don't own ladybugs and unicorns as pets. let's go.

25 times bigger. look! it's a colossal heart attack in a pan. so colossal it shakes the screen when it hits the table. grandma, you're a drama queen.

rumor has it this is the same as concealer.

okay, i didn't like bath time when i was younger either. but having a sponge in the shape of spongebob wouldn't necessarily change that opinion. i don't want a cartoon character rubbing on my body, even at age 7. also, sponges are for dishes and kitchen use. put your kid in the bath. they'll be fine.

gretta has a similar thing for nap time. so snug in a bug in a rug. oh wait, when i was your age this was called a sleeping bag. putting sheets on a bed is so hard. i had to bring in reinforcements. clearly, if i had a dreamie it wouldn't have been such an issue. you live and learn, i guess.

is it just me or are THOSE NOT THE SAME PEOPLE in the before and after picture? it's like a present day flowbee. id rather put a weed eater on my head.

the only thing that made this worth watching was witnessing the lady try and plunge the sink.

but call within the next ten minutes, and you'll lose your dignity for the low price of 9.99.