as seen on tv.

i'm a sucker for ridiculous inventions. i laugh my brains out at them. i sadly didn't win the invention convention in 5th grade with my "see safe", which was basically a helmet with a rearview mirror. hands down the worst idea i've ever had in my life. besides talking to mi$$ bo$$. all you could see was your own forehead. my parents could tell i was brilliant from day one.

but as seen on tv. astv is a whole other world that i can only dream to be a part of. who thinks of these things? let's make something that is not that big of a deal be the biggest problem of my life and give me the worst possible solution for it. billy mays, get back here. the world is lost without you.

(preface: the snuggie (slanket, liz lemon.) is a given, and therefore doesn't need to be listed. form your own opinions. that's a can of worms that i physically cannot open. astv, that's your cue for a new invention.)

the cami secret.

did you buy a camisole that's too small? fear not, just stick a lace handkerchief that we custom built for you. did you buy a shirt that looks just terrible on you? that's okay, we can cover it up with a table napkin. if you have guys looking down your shirt all day, you should change jobs. you work with sex offenders. ps, what camisole goes all the way up to your collar bone? i mean, my 8th grade dance dress did, but that's neither here nor there.

the neck slimmer.

this. is. physically. impossible. also, i would pay 50 dollars to the person who uses this in their cubicle at work. you might as well just pump your soap with your neck for a "similar" workout. why isn't this thing at my gym? everyone needs to tone their neck, right? i'll bet if i used the hardest resistance, i could get in my max heart rate zone.

sidenote: SHELBY MORRIS OWNS ONE OF THESE. it will be in room 218 next year, if you'd like to borrow it. look for the glass case. it'll be inside. we'll give you the combination.

bottle tops.

what's so hard about buying a bottle of soda? i'm just saying. i have replayed the guy saying GROSS at 59 seconds about 5 times (ocd aside), along with appreciating the rocking graphics. high caliber work, astv. high caliber work. also, rc cola? how old am i?

cyber clean.

is this really futuristic? hey, stick some silly putty on your keyboard and see how it turns out. flubber has returned. you're welcome robin.

easy toothbrush.

"too many people get hurt by their toothbrushes." kind of like how people get hurt by their toilets. people have been brushing their teeth for centuries. clearly, it hasn't been a problem. ps thanks for the geometry lesson, astv. a [] brush for a () mouth? also, i can't tell the difference.

the tiddy bear.

my personal favorite. i love that he has to spell tiddy because of his terrible over-annunciation that could be misleading. welp. also, the lady is in a cadillac, i think her seatbelt is made of japanese silkworms. third, did they really have to make this into a bear? a plain beige would have sufficed. over-achievers. poor bear is face down into a woman's chest. where is that cami secret when you need it? and why in the world is the lady petting the bear? because that is just weird. also, these people are so dramatic. just because your seatbelt isn't the most comfortable thing is the world doesn't mean you're going to suffocate. it's a seatbelt. it's there to hold you in. holstering is not comfortable. sorry about it.

on the other hand, i'd love you forever if you got me these. call me a hypocrite. i dare you. they are like heelys on steroids. indoors.