goulet, and more as seen on tv.

i need everyone to watch this so that they catch on that i am now incessantly saying "goulet!" to fill an awkward silence. and if you know me in the slightest, awkward silences happen way too frequently. sorry about it.

"as seen on tv" is back!

the flowbee.

forget going to your barber or hair salon. choose the vaccuum cleaner that spins a blade around to cut your hair. sorry, but putting a weed eater to my head isn't exactly my first choice. i can also barely blowdry my hair with a round brush without turning my afro into knots, and i feel like this is just asking for it.

prime example. she wrote a flowbee song. i'd rather have a lawn mower run over my head.

the slim t.

call today, you have nothing to lose but any shred of manliness you had left. you're wearing a corset, sir. a morset. or man-spanx. call in the next 10 minutes to get the integrated 12 pack indentions on your stomach. also, at 1:45, i'm 95% sure that's a woman's body.

the slender shaper.

nothings funnier than something shaking my belly fat. i get a better ab workout by laughing so hard at this infomercial. and samantha, you are a terrible dancer.

at 2:40? "dolly is a housewife with weight issues." actually, dolly is a housewife that looks pretty normal besides her translucent canary yellow soff-e shorts and protruding pantyline. can the slender shaper fix that? that's what i thought.

favorite line of all? "wow, his beer belly is dancing!" goulet.

rejuvenique electrical facial mask.

i cannot even fathom doing 8 situps a second, and i have no idea how that analogy connects to my face being rejuvenated. i also cannot imagine coming home to my mom or sister wearing this terrifying mask. sorry, people wear these when they go MURDER people. i watch criminal minds. i know this stuff. i'm basically in the bau. also, the zooming eye is terrifying and is going to keep me up tonight. it's like a slender shaper for your face. goulet!

nads.

dear head of marketing, think of a worse name than nads. physically impossible? i figured. because it sounds like some sort of infectious disease or sti, such as lice or herpes. also, i swear when she was reaching into her bra to get her photos, i had one eye closed. i wasn't going to underestimate what she would unleash. can you nads your nads? totally nads. that's nad-tsatic. so nads.

this has nothing to do with anything except that it made me wet myself. going out with a bang, if you will.

goulet.