[ before truly beginning, i'm going to complain. feel free to skip this part.
1) my computer won't connect to wifi, so i am posting while connected to a dinosaur ethernet cable and i want to punch a kitten because of it because i am completely dependent on my computer due to my lack of a social life.
2) i was walking to the office with a cup of blackberries and spilled them all over the counter. i hope my father enjoys purple tie-dyed tax return sheets and bank statements. sorry about it.
typical tuesday. WOMP WOMP. ]
this also may be the most a.d.d. and scatterbrained post i will ever make, for i have a plethora, cornucopia, and a myriad of funny ideas (probably only to me.) whirling around in my head.
i found a website consisting of ridiculous (but real) college courses.
just when you thought your semester was looking exciting, you get shown up.
english and literature category
harry potter literature - ohio state
they're more than just a fun read. does this count as british literature?
those sexy victorians - ole miss
they're showing an ankle. sexy, m'lady.
evlish: the language of "lord of the rings" - university of wisconsin
here's the condensed crash course to get you to pass: just english in a creepy voice that sounds like you just woke up with tuberculosis and breathing fire at the same time. you are welcome.
history category
sex, rugs, salt & coal - cornell
an ivy league school. ivy league. they have the time and tolerance to come up with a play on words pun for sex, drugs, and rock and roll and make it a class? goulet.
this class includes - sexual education (i hope coach perkins teaches), information about persia, a little chemistry NaCl business, and a little history about coal miners and the gold rush. a grab bag of subjects. cornell is well rounded.
psychology/sociology category
the american vacation - university of iowa
learn more about what you did last summer.
whiteness: the other side of racism - mount holyoke college
if this makes sense to you, let me know, and you can explain it.
alien sex - university of rochester
prerequisites:
1) must believe in aliens
2) must have taken sex, rugs, and salt & coal
the good, the bad, the revolting - alfred university
what makes you smile, what makes you cry, and what makes you vomit. soul search.
technology
lego robotics - mit
people who go into the cia go to mit. mit has classes like lego robotics. i'm moving to canada.
the "arts"
nuthin' but a 'g' thang - oberlin experimental college
i think you can figure this one out.
underwater basket weaving - reed college
remember 5 years ago when i used to use this as my joke for what my hobbies included? it really exists. like how i just found out narwhales exist. blew my mind. next santa will really be real. spoiler alert, kiddos. sorry.
the art of sin and the sin of art - rhode island school of design
the antithesis in the course title alone blows my mind. sinning is a art. art-ing is a sin.
physical education
tree climbing - cornell
now i understand why everyone wants to go there. if you never learned when you were 6 how to climb a tree, you can spend 40,000 dollars a year leaning how at the collegiate level. at an ivy league school.
knitting for noobs - oberlin experimental college
i don't know what to make of the oberlin school. they use the word "noobs" in a college course title. judging. judging so hard.
getting dressed - princeton
THIS IS THE TOP UNIVERSITY IN THE COUNTRY. i never type in caps, but that was worth it. they have classes like getting dressed. like everyone there is 80 years old and has an occupational therapist so they need to take the class to do it themselves.
that's that.
in the past 3 days, i have:
peed myself in a kayak this weekend by accident.
just in case word got around, i admitted it. it takes the blow. unless you would have never found out. i really, really, really need to get this together soon.
been accidentally racist.
in physics class, my teacher asked "who's used a hydraulic pump on their car to raise it and make it bounce?" and one person raised their hand. who? the one hispanic person (the situation, actually.) in our class. cue me being accidentally racist by laughing out loud.
i have a sufficient argument though. all i could think of when i looked over was picturing the car in napoleon dynamite that picks up deb for the dance with the situation in it. bumpin' and grindin'. still in a hole? i'm fine with that.
had the funniest conversation of my life with lela crump.
let me begin by saying i am incredibly sassy in the morning. lela as well. mix well and put in the oven for 12 minutes and you have a great big ball of sass. serve with a scoop of vanilla ice cream for utter delight.
(this conversation is probably only funny to me and her, but you're going to see glimpses of it anyways. when we are 30 in the real working world, this will be our gchat conversations, so this is only the beginning.)
lela: i waited all weekend for a text.
abby: from me? i don't understand.
lela: i always secretly expect a random "here's my awkward moment" text.
abby: oh, right. well i saved it all up. i was in isolation with no foreign contact.
blah blah blah, uneventful. cue lela saying a sentence that cannot be repeated.
abby: never have i felt so molested yet satisfied by a sentence.
lela: thats an awfully complex feeling. perhaps like being assaulted by sue sylvester.
abby: i couldn't have said it better myself. or idina menzel. at the same time.
lela: with idina, there is no assault, unless it is of my mind by her greatness.
abby: true. okay, here it is. i'm getting assaulted by sue sylvester with idina menzel as music in the background. check and mate. pun intended.
lela: it must be live music.
abby: no. that's a killer. it's setting me up for failure in front of idina.
lela: the thought of any of that happening shred me of any ounce of innocence i had. congrats.
abby: you are now in negative values. congrats. and if you took the absolute value of that you would have my iq squared. that much.
lela: making it worse. i have to drain my brain because it is so full of vomit. can we have our own show yet?
abby: can we call it the suck?
lela: absolutely.
abby: it's like the view on steroids, minus rosie o'donnell.
lela: plus we'll have viewers.
abby: did you get my picture with harold? because now i feel i can cure all life threatening diseases.
lela: i never commented back about that picture because of the amount of urine caused water damage on my phone.
abby: understandable. i peed my pants on a kayak this weekend because i tooted on a plastic boat and i think the neighbors heard. the world is my oyster. and by oyster i mean septic system.
lela: the only woman that works at this entire oil rig factory's name is ernastine. hello, the 60's.
abby: or it's like "dynasty" or "her-nasty." aaaaand im back on top.
lela: winner.
abby: after a short word from our sponsors, the suck is back.
lela: musical guest, or overrated?
abby: depends. is it idina? oh no, is this sue sylvester shindig happening on national television? will i be blurred? is there is a live audience?
lela: not every time, everytime, no, and yes.
abby: how did you know all the right answers?
lela: you asked the alternate google. i'm eating this chicken noodle soup which is powder mixed with water.
abby: sounds like astronaut food.
lela: it would be a whole lot better in space.
abby: would the sue sylvester shindig be better in space? clearly defying gravity would be sung. it's only appropriate.
abby: i'm totally okay with the amount of time i spend youtube idina menzel.
lela: i'm not sure i am. but you accept me, so i accept you.
abby: take me for what i am.
and then class ended. and if you read all of that, sweet. if not, i understand. it's probably only funny to me. that's okay.
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