as seen on tv.

i'm a sucker for ridiculous inventions. i laugh my brains out at them. i sadly didn't win the invention convention in 5th grade with my "see safe", which was basically a helmet with a rearview mirror. hands down the worst idea i've ever had in my life. besides talking to mi$$ bo$$. all you could see was your own forehead. my parents could tell i was brilliant from day one.

but as seen on tv. astv is a whole other world that i can only dream to be a part of. who thinks of these things? let's make something that is not that big of a deal be the biggest problem of my life and give me the worst possible solution for it. billy mays, get back here. the world is lost without you.

(preface: the snuggie (slanket, liz lemon.) is a given, and therefore doesn't need to be listed. form your own opinions. that's a can of worms that i physically cannot open. astv, that's your cue for a new invention.)

the cami secret.

did you buy a camisole that's too small? fear not, just stick a lace handkerchief that we custom built for you. did you buy a shirt that looks just terrible on you? that's okay, we can cover it up with a table napkin. if you have guys looking down your shirt all day, you should change jobs. you work with sex offenders. ps, what camisole goes all the way up to your collar bone? i mean, my 8th grade dance dress did, but that's neither here nor there.

the neck slimmer.

this. is. physically. impossible. also, i would pay 50 dollars to the person who uses this in their cubicle at work. you might as well just pump your soap with your neck for a "similar" workout. why isn't this thing at my gym? everyone needs to tone their neck, right? i'll bet if i used the hardest resistance, i could get in my max heart rate zone.

sidenote: SHELBY MORRIS OWNS ONE OF THESE. it will be in room 218 next year, if you'd like to borrow it. look for the glass case. it'll be inside. we'll give you the combination.

bottle tops.

what's so hard about buying a bottle of soda? i'm just saying. i have replayed the guy saying GROSS at 59 seconds about 5 times (ocd aside), along with appreciating the rocking graphics. high caliber work, astv. high caliber work. also, rc cola? how old am i?

cyber clean.

is this really futuristic? hey, stick some silly putty on your keyboard and see how it turns out. flubber has returned. you're welcome robin.

easy toothbrush.

"too many people get hurt by their toothbrushes." kind of like how people get hurt by their toilets. people have been brushing their teeth for centuries. clearly, it hasn't been a problem. ps thanks for the geometry lesson, astv. a [] brush for a () mouth? also, i can't tell the difference.

the tiddy bear.

my personal favorite. i love that he has to spell tiddy because of his terrible over-annunciation that could be misleading. welp. also, the lady is in a cadillac, i think her seatbelt is made of japanese silkworms. third, did they really have to make this into a bear? a plain beige would have sufficed. over-achievers. poor bear is face down into a woman's chest. where is that cami secret when you need it? and why in the world is the lady petting the bear? because that is just weird. also, these people are so dramatic. just because your seatbelt isn't the most comfortable thing is the world doesn't mean you're going to suffocate. it's a seatbelt. it's there to hold you in. holstering is not comfortable. sorry about it.

on the other hand, i'd love you forever if you got me these. call me a hypocrite. i dare you. they are like heelys on steroids. indoors.

byo high school.

i'm going to play a game with myself. this blog can be for my entertainment too, right? it's called google old yearbook photos and do the best i can to see what this person was like in high school and see where they are now. like a build your own high school. sims high school, if you will. brilliant? yes. shameful? i thought you would never ask.

the disclaimer for this is the same as the facebook default post. sorry about it.

kristen chenowith 20 years ago? is that you? did you take out your french braids right before this photo or use a conair crimper? i've done both.

past: i'm assuming this girl was a cheerleader, and part of the celibacy club, similar to quinn on glee. being similar to quinn also allows me to see a forecast with a 95% chance of getting pregnant and scattered showers of tears and being kicked out of your home. she was also ahead of the game with a side part. why did every one get this notion but me? but that is neither here nor there.

future: the child she had in high school is now 16 years old and loves having a young mother that's cool and hip and is skinnier than her. she's also drinking martini's by the tennis courts monday through wednesday and lives pretty stress free. oh, jealousy.

now that's the middle part i'm talking about. glad i can categorize myself with this champion.

past: this was the "misunderstood" boy. he kept to himself, and drew sketches all the time in class, or terrible lyrics to tell his band made of trash cans. you'd only hear him say words like "yeah" "uh" or "uh huh". kind of like a 18 year old little rascal.

present: see past and add twenty years.

(wait, he looks like jacob black. ruff.)

these middle parts are going hard. now i feel more in place.

this is the previous guy's trash can drummer.

the attractive one. i just needed one on here.

past: football stud, danny zuko, my boyfriend (i just lol-ed everywhere.), blah blah.

present: everything but my boyfriend.

yes, please.

past: a hungry boy. the male version of me.

present: a celebrity with his own tv show, an average family, and a brilliant british baby and a dog more responsible than he is. i can only aspire to be the present version.

pretty good graduating class to me.

a case of the mondays.

[first and foremost, ask laura bergersen about how she got hives this weekend. actually, don't. i'm going to share with the whole internet world. laura bergersen got hives by sleeping on a carpet. just stab her with an epi pen when you see her. if that isn't weaksauce, i don't know what is.

laura bergersen's list of allergies

1) milk, dairy, cheese, lactose.

2) carpet. (shag is okay.)

3)cinnamon.

4) chocolate.

5) strawberries.

6) anesthesia.

7) small children.

8) rubber bands

9) anything with a pulse. ]

onto the true post of today,

i did more taking photos of terrible fashion around hcc. luckily for me, i didn't get caught this time. harold taught me how to be stealth. he's such a ninja.

first and foremost, hcc has greek life. i don't care what psi beta is, but i'm going to be a part of it. this sorority looks poppin'. i can't decide if the lady in the yellow in the back is the house mother or an active member. i can safely say that i'm okay with either situation. my only problem is, do i have to have a middle part to be in this? i just got over that like, a year ago.

this floor length jirt (jean-skirt, get with it.) had 2 snakes looking like they were slithering up to her waist. i. kid. you. not. if that's attractive, let me know. i'll bet when she walks they look like they're slithering. kind of like my mermaid tattoo that dances when i flex. which is all the time. (ps - how great did i do getting this picture? so nonchalant. thanks.)

popped collar? i wouldn't be surprised if she turned around and it had a huge hollister eagle or abercrombie moose on it. i'm just saying. maybe i'm just bitter because i could never fit into hollister, but that's just me. today i salute you, miss constant collar popper. you, bedecked in popped collar, teach me that i no longer have to live with a cold, back of the neck. sure, your pink alligator polo may look lame to some, but know you are a special breed. crack open a fresh bottle of candy cologne, miss abercrombie. (or is it fitch?)

the situation got his hair cut since last week, but still uses the same amount of gel. this ratio is out of control and kind of makes me nauseous for 3 tables away.

scrunchie girl/mom. she throws me for a loop. i can't decide is she's 20 years old or 35-40. the scruchie obviously means she was alive in 1994, but that doesn't change much. her face is so ambiguous, but i'm determined to find out.

and i leave you with a game. how many times can you find the name arusha on this poster? there is a bonus one, as well. clearly, she's a big deal.

tgi-fail friday.

it is that time. thank goodness it's fail friday, because i need someone to suck more than i do.

time out. for the record, retrato hablado is a form of sketch. aka if you have not graduated fifth grade and cannot figure this out, this is a newscast in mexico looking for a criminal using this sketch. time in.

gets. me. every. time. it doesn't even matter that it's not in english. except doesn't he kind of look like dwight shrute to you?

fact. the middle part seals the deal.

bears. beats. retrato hablado.

happy weekend, you sassafrasses. all 5 of you.

the poses of defaults.

i like to categorize things, if you haven't noticed. i have ocd, it happens. far too much for my liking, actually. so, after extensive research on myspace, (aka 5 minutes of looking at ridiculous people on the homepage. they're giving out ideas like candy.) i've decided to dedicate today's post to the poses of default photos.

clearly, cropping a normal photo of you and making it your default is sub par now a days. you need to overachieve and edit the living daylights out of it so people don't recognize you when they see you in person. so learn from the champions below. i suggest taking notes, but that's just me.

disclaimer: i do not know these people. not one bit. if you know any of them, if you are related to them, if they are your best friend's step cousin on the father's side of the family twice removed, if they look like your bagger at heb, or if they look like your grandfather at age 18, i apologize. don't take it personally. on the other hand, tell them to get a new default if you have any soul or have their best interest in mind.

the self hip shot.

no matter how much you try and crop it, everyone knows you still took this by yourself. it takes away major sass points. for all i know, you most likely put the camera on the top of your dresser, turned on the self timer, and then turned on the sass. but in the end, you are still alone. by yourself. solo. solitude. alone.

the "i love my boyfriend/girlfriend" so much shot.

again, everyone knows for a fact that you are the ones taking this picture. therefore, you are not candid. "lets take a picture of us kissing, okay honey?" if this is the guy's default photo, there is a 97% chance the girlfriend forced him to make it his default to fend off all the desperate girls that would destroy their relationship. he also becomes an easy target and there is a 100% chance i will make fun of him. if it's the girl's default photo, she's too obsessed with her boyfriend. therefore, they will break up soon.

the highly saturated shot.

honey bear, people can't even see your face when you edit it this much. you look like the phantom of the opera, or you're walking around with a sheet on your head. to prove i'm human, i suffered this syndrome when i was about 12. here is a difference between photo editing and editing to where all i see is your black eye makeup and drawn on eyebrows, which are great, by the way. did you use a stencil? teach me how.

the mirror shot.

these are my favorite. you are in a mirror. you are taking a photo of yourself in the mirror. this is 412 times worse than taking a photo of yourself. it's like, rock bottom took an elevator to the earth's mantle.

why do i say mantle? because here is when the elevator goes down to the earth's core.

the mirror shot taken with a cell phone.

don't confuse the two. they're on completely different levels.

the accidental self shot.

"oh, how artsy that i have a picture of me looking down or away from the camera without me knowing. except i took of myself. how stealth am i?"

no. you're not. oh, and the picniked text at the bottom is an added bonus. two birds with one rant.

the reasons babies cry at night shot.

because this makes me want to pee myself too.

the harold pan shot.

because this should be everyone's default. it doesn't get old. ever.

celebrities, part deaux.

celebrity rants. ready, go.

50 cent.

woah, fifty. fiddy. my man. skeletor. you're freaking me out. your mug shot looked better than this. i mean, tyra banks would say that your bone structure is exquisite, but then she'd go back to talking about her cellulite and her mama, so don't get too excited. manorexia doesn't look that good on you, g unit. i was born how much you weigh right now.

vienna girardi.

the time has come. jake and vienna have broken up. the cross eyed princess is out of the picture. the world is right again. also, the success rate of bachelor/ette couples staying together is still .9%. congrats trista and ryan and jason and molly. vienna's now lost everything. she lost her extensions to ali pedofile-towsky, and now her beyond obnoxious fiance. everybody can go back to listening to "on the wings of love" without vomiting in their mouth.

idina menzel.

rainbows, butterflies, and lollipops fly out of her mouth when she sings. or speaks. or breathes with her mouth open. literally. i'm obsessed with this woman. and she's married to taye diggs. insert jealousy here.

kristen stewart.

hey k-stew. you aren't so great at acting, but you probably know this. you always look like you are as uncomfortable as a hairless chihuahua thats trying to go to the bathroom in a snowstorm. yo quiero edward.

lance bass.

i just lol-ed all over my bib. i'm not saying i peed my pants, but i'm not not saying i peed my pants just by looking at this picture. and that is all that needs to be sad.

harold pan.

because he should be famous in your book, and it doesn't get old.

hcc.

as i said yesterday, i'm spending five golden weeks of my summer at hcc for 6 hours a day. if you're jealous, i commend you. you have no brain.
as much as i hate this place, i also love to hate it. i love to find people that amuse me. due to the need to be amused while sitting through four hours of physics, i have subconsciously sacrificed any social skills i've collaborated over the years. what i haven't lost, however, is the judgment of what is fashionably acceptable and what is deplorable. (by the way, how much is my vocabulary rocking today? every time i use an SAT caliber word, a baby is born. that's how often it's happening.) in just one day alone, i've been able to provide concrete evidence that people at hcc do not know how to dress. granted, i am dressed in texas nike shorts and a navy shirt, (so captain america and frat-tastic.) but this is a whole new level. you don't even know. you. just. don't.

guido hair.
pardon, the situation. your hair became socially unacceptable once the season finale of jersey shore on january 21 (works cited: google. hcc speech has taught me not to plagiarize.) ended. i'd like to pull a sue sylvester and state that i am completely and utterly serious that the mass amounts of depp in your hair distract me from learning newton's laws and static and kinetic friction. or, i can create friction by rubbing two gelled spikes together to start a fire. or just break off a spike and poke you in the eye with it. only if i get to poke mine first. i choose the latter.

man with yamaka.
since the iphone can only do so much and my stealth skills of blending in are sub-par, this is all i could get. lucky for you, i'll give a visual. jewdlebug had a yamaka on that had dollar bills all over it with some obscure pattern. dollars bills. i have a pair of toms that look like his yamaka, and now i'm second guessing whether i will ever wear them in public again.

strapless jumpsuit.
i immediately regretted taking this photo because i forgot that she could see me in the mirror taking a photo of her, which was painfully awkward. this is also where i had the run in with mi$$ bo$$. i don't know how anyone can possibly rock a strapless jumpsuit unitard made of spandex with looks of splattered paint over it and successfully pass as fashion forward. oh, and your tag is sticking out. that is the least of my concerns.

roller backpacks.
congratulations, you two. you are as cool as i was in 6th grade. which is a negative number on a scale of 1 to 10.

pigtails and polka dots.
too much for me going on for one human body. i wish i could handle that much trauma. more power to you, pippy.

harold pan.
he wears nothing wrong. harold pan eats wrong for breakfast. without any milk. he is just worthy of being in the post, for he is the new chuck norris.

harold, a hero.

think of the most awesome living person you know. someone that's on a pedestal. someone you love to tell stories about. who is this person for me? nobody but harold pan. and for that, he deserves a tribute. because he is my favorite person to talk about when somebody asks how summer school is going.

let me explain. i won't go into depth here, because you can ask me more about him. it's far better in person. harold pan is a guy in my summer school speech class. he's had me intrigued since day one. mind you, i've said no more than about 3 sentences to him. he's more of the appreciate from afar kind of lad. he says whatever he wants, when he wants. the very first impromptu speech he had was about southwest airlines. just because he felt like it. i quote, "why i like southwest airlines. you can fly to over 70 cities and if you buy 8 round trips you get on free. yaaaay southwest airlines." he's a gem. whenever he gives a sentence about southwest airlines, an angel gets it's wings. harold pan is also obsessed with chase bank. every time he stands up to speak, he calls himself the chase bank buddy. throughout just two weeks of knowing harold, i have learned the following.

1) he only likes strawberry jelly.

2) if he wants something, he'll say it when he wants, no matter who else is talking.

3) he likes broad swords.

4) he feels good about himself when he finds pennies.

5) he likes southwest airlines and would make love to it if he could.

6) how to make a transitional phrase work no matter what you are saying.

therefore, (transitional phrase. harold loves these. he used 10 of them during his 11 minute speech that was supposed between 3 and 5 minutes.) harold deserves a tribute. i spent my golden 4 hours of physics class this morning thinking of beautiful productions that could be made with harold alone. also, i don't want these to end. with harold, impossible is nothing.

exemplary novels

my harold's keeper

lord of the harolds

confederacy of harold

angels and harold

harold pan and the goblet of fire (my personal favorite.)

a tale of two harold's

of mice & harold

the scarlet harold

a farewell to harolds

harold copperfield

movies

harold's just not that into you

harold story 3, in 3d

the book of harold

a harold to remember

harold's out of my league

the harold side

the godharold (1,2, and 3. i'll make you a harold you can't refuse.)

star wars: the harold strikes back

how to train your harold

how to lose harold in 10 days

10 things i hate about harold (impossible. i hate nothing.)

the harold club

the curious case of harold pan

forgetting harold pan (also, impossible.)

harold and the giant peach

according to harold pan

all about harold

harold hears a who

harold in wonderland (on a southwest airlines plane.)

remember the harold

finding harold

harold and the technicolor dreamcoat

along came harold

harold's new groove (i'd pay great money.)

land before harold

harold inc.

sweet home harold pan

i love you, harold pan

oh harold, where art thou?

harold pan's day off

tv shows

harold's anatomy

the secret life of harold pan

harold pantana

two and a half harold's

what i like about harold

i love more than anything for all of the above to exist. and when the 5 weeks of summer school is over, i will still know that i can fly to 70 cities with southwest airlines. thanks, harold. this flight is for you.

tgi fail-friday.

1) "oh my god" guy sounds like peter griffin.

2) don't count me out on doing that at your wedding.

3) it's good to know somebody sucks at life almost as much as i do.

happy friday!

and then i went awkward.

as stated before, i'm really awkward. it's unavoidable. and now, it is story time. minus the tucking you in part. because that is borderline illegal in all 50 states.

picture yourself at summer school at houston community college. (summer '10, woo.) it's 9 am, you're on your first break of the day, and you have to pee like nobodys business. i streamline (pun totally intended.) to the bathroom. afterwards, i'm washing my hands, like any normal human being. here, the predicament enters. the soap dispenser is shared with 2 sinks and can be swiveled back and forth depending on where you are. cool. homegirl has to choose the sink next to me (because there are 5 others. i'm already uncomfortable.) and she has "MI$$ BOSS" tattooed across her collar bone and chains going all down her forearms. if i could have gotten i picture, i would have. i wish i was joking. we're in the predicament of who is going to get the soap first. so naturally, being so giving, i say "oh, you go first. you're hands are dirtier than mine." strike 1. i was trying to do the whole "you go first" thing, except it only works in certain situations. like, if you're waiting for a bathroom stall, it would be like "you have to go more than i do, go first." or if you're in line for food and there's only one enchilada left (sucks.) and there is an 89 year old woman behind you and you let her have it because you're not as hungry and you can wait until the next tray. along those lines. for the record, this does not carry over to the sink. the second "your hands are dirtier than mine" came out i was like, oh abby. why? you just posted about this a few days ago. (subtract 15 cool points for me thinking about my blog entries in real life situations. strike 2.) so what did i do? kept going. strike 3. out. i kept digging that hole deeper, thinking somehow i would be able to get out of it. the story continues.

socially inept: "oh. gosh. i didn't mean your hands were dirtier in a bad way or anything. i mean, just because you have tattoos doesn't mean your hands are dirty. i just mean you go first. it's not like the ink goes from your bloodstream to dirty your hands or any weird science thing. and i'm a science major. i'm actually taking a break from physics right now. i think tattoos are cool. i'm too scared to get one though. my mom would kill me. that's cool of you. you're cool. can i have the soap now? (and by that i mean, can i go play in traffic?)"

tat-tastic had no response. i wonder why.

she set me up. she read my blog, knew how awkward i was, and chose the sink next to me to share the dispenser to test me. and then i failed. with flying colors.

bad lyrics, part 1.

some songs are genius. for example, nelly's "grillz" could have my favorite line ever produced. "call me george foreman, cause i'm selling everybody grills." seriously? awesome. i remember using this for my allusion notebook freshman year of high school. this page alone caused me to lose my a. but, with good lyrics come terribly bad ones.

love game - lady gaga

"let's have some fun this beat is sick, i wanna take a ride on your disco stick."

disco stick, miss gaga? can i have the origin of the word, please? seriously, all i think about is a bedazzled harry potter nimbus 2000 in the middle of a quidditch match with quaffles and bludgers flying at me. all while wearing a beanie baby dress. hence why she has a lightening bolt on her face. so unoriginal, gaga. jk rowling > you. simple math.

balla baby - chingy

"i'll have them black, white, puerto rican, or haitian. japanese, chinese, or even asian."

take geography, ching-a-ling. hoody hoo.

obesssed - mariah carey

"seeing through you like you're bathing in windex."

in elementary school,my friend leanne took a bath in purell hand sanatizer (i peed my pants when i heard that story, lu. i need to get that together soon. it's getting embarrassing.) her skin wanted to fall off her body. obviously, mariah doesn't know leanne. nor has she taken chemistry and know that cleaning products makes your skin want to dissolve.

21 questions - 50 cent

"i love you like a fat kid loves cake."

1) this lasted all middle school and it makes me vomit in my mouth

2) this is hallmark quality. flattering, really.

3) coming from a fat childhood, i don't like cake that much. so, i don't appreciate this 50.

tattoo - jordin sparks

"'you're on my heart just like a tattoo."

put a tattoo on your heart and tell me how that goes, j. aka, unknown man i am singing about, you are in my bloodstream like toxic ink that i'll have sagging when i'm 80.

your love is my drug - ke$ha

"i like your beard."

i like your dollar sign. and that's how i end all my sentences too.

alejandro - lady gaga

"dont call my name, roberto, fernando, alejandro."

lady. what is his name? you're so misleading.

human - the killers

"are we human? or are we dancer?"

i am both. i take offense to this.

the body of itunes.

not to toot my own horn, but my itunes library rocks. almost rox. with an x. but not quite. as i scroll through 10 days, 4 hours, 28 minutes, and 22 seconds (all evens, ocd is awesome.) of my library, i compartmented the different types of categories of songs.

the last 5 songs purchased.

these 5(ish) songs are on a constant rotation basis. they also usually make me want to dance and jam in my chair or in the library, but they are far from being quality songs. i'll stop listening to them in a week. kind of how i was with boyfriends in middle school, except those were on average 45 minutes. that's what you get for having the personality of a 12 year old basset hound.

examples:

spending all my time - aaron fresh

driving me crazy - sam adams

ridin' solo - jason derulo

alejandro - lady gaga

california girls - katy perry

the songs you always get excited for when they come on.

they usually refer to songs from the 90's. no matter what, you can't not dance. especially when i'm alone. then it's just dangerous. even 5 years later.

examples:

dirrty and fighter - christina aguilara

the songs that makes you think of a friend or event.

the second it comes, you want to call a friend and be like "omgggggggg thisss sooonnngggg issss onnnnnn." what are you supposed to say back to that? like "oh fun. i'm proud you were able to go through a library and click play? do you want a cookie?" these songs are also usually annoying.

examples:

body language - jesse mccartney (and that is for you, katie haines.)

party in the usa - miley vomitcyrus

check on it - beyonce

pour some sugar on me - def leppard

the songs you bought to be like "oh i found this new artist", but you stop listening to after 3 days.

make it your status, and call it a day. you're all artsy and making discoveries, and you find out it was a waste of $1.29. bummer. i could have 2 sonic happy drinks with that.

examples:

jake coco

matt hires

andy davis

songs you hope no one ever finds.

i have over 4,000 songs in my library and my itunes STILL manage to have charlotte church's "the prayer" or barry manilow within the first 10 songs on shuffle. it's public humiliation, and there's no excuse. it's your itunes.

songs that are just always your favorite.

your top 5 favorite songs ever created that are listened to on a daily basis. beautiful.

black balloon - goo goo dolls

meet virginia - train

drops of jupiter - train

iris - goo goo dolls

i caught fire - the used

songs that are just straight up middle school.

because it's the only thing worth remembering. mostly because i looked like a troll and only straightened the front of my hair. whatever, i still had boyfriends, despite them being 45 minutes. thats 45 more minutes than i have now. shocking.

fat lip - sum 41

anything taking back sunday

glee songs.

because they deserve a category of their own.

celebrities of choice, part 1.

everyone has their favorite celebrities and the ones they love to hate and talk terrible about as if they know them. luckily, i love to hate and hate to love all of the same ones. convenient.

tyra banks.

okay. i've been obsessed with my homegirl tyra banks since freshman year of high school. my chemistry teacher teased me incessantly. my friend callie and i celebrate her birthday annually. (december 4th. represent.) despite that, she drives me crazy. for better and for worse.

why i like her: she has as many dimples in her booty as i do, she told public television to kiss her fat ass (i just might.), she has a fivehead, and she has great teeth.

why i can't stand her: all she talks about is her cellulite, her momma, and her modeling career. also, this is not how you teach modeling. (because i know a lot. i'm a model. i can hear you laughing.)

tyra: "see, this is what you're doing. (looks at the camera straight ahead) and this is what i need you to do. (squints a little, tilts her head to the side, and leans to the camera.) this is called smiling with your eyes."

okay tyra, what? i know you're just passing gas underneath the judging table. that's why miss j always makes that obnoxious scream/woo. you're not fooling anyone.

jillian michaels.

i. am. obsessed. with. jillian. michaels.

why i like her: um, excuse me. she's the best fitness trainer on the planet. (minus my sister. because she is reading this right now.) i would spend all of my graduation money for her to yell in my face for an hour. but only if she gave me a hug afterward. i may or may not do her work videos out just to hang out with my girl jill. she's a bad-a, who also has really good hair. she also has a great body. but whatever. i'm perfect with my imperfections. i strive for a muffin top.

why i can't stand her: she hasn't come to meet me yet.

ali fedofjsdalktjklsdtoiwsky.

why i like her: i don't. not one bit.

why i can't stand her: her laugh makes me want to punt a puppy, she "woo's" too often, she stole vienna's hair extensions, she likes guys who wear livestrong bracelets, and she still has the weatherman around. grow a brain, ali. and your own hair. he is an embarrassment to the city of houston. is this season over yet?

bradley cooper.

why i like him: because it's common sense.

why i can't stand him: he's prettier than i am or any 5 girls combined.

this is just part one. more is in store. keep your pants on.

fail friday.

it's that time. fail friday!

videos say a thousand words. and since i have nothing with such caliber, i leave you with that. marinate on it for the weekend. it's okay to laugh at her, i sure did.

sidenote: a stuffed animal dog show? why wasn't i invited? now she deserves it.

the 5(ish) most awkward things that happen to me on a daily basis.

i don't feel like having a witty intro to my post today. let's just start. i have at least 5 awkward things happen to me on a daily basis. because my life sucks like that.

1. waving back to people who aren't waving at me.

yesterday, i had a woman wave at me from her car. she looked really excited, and so i was like "i don't know who in the world she is and she obviously knows who i am." (i mean, who doesn't.) i could have just waved, but i pretended to be just as excited as she was. i even said hey. who said chivalry was dead?

not only was it embarrassing when i found out she actually wasn't waving to me, she had to reiterate it when we ran into each other at the drink machine for my 49th iced tea refill. she tapped my shoulder and says "i'm so sorry that i misled you to think i was waving at you. i'm sorry i put you in that uncomfortable position." wutdahail? but what did i do? rambled, duh. i kid you not. i just kept going. "oh no it's totally fine, i mean it happens to me all the time. who do i think i am? you'd think i'd learn. but i don't. i mean, all the time. it's humbling really. so humbling. like that big old piece of humble pie right in my mouth. am i still talking?"

2. saying "you too" to people who aren't going to do the same thing

like number one, this wouldn't be as bad if i just shut my fracking mouth. like when waiters say enjoy your meal, and i say "oh, you too!" they probably don't think twice about it, but then i have to go all super overachieving and say "oh wait. you're not eating too. you work here. oh god, this is awkward." it probably would have been fine. now they think i have some form of tourettes (to be determined.) this also happens at the movies when i'm told to enjoy my movie. except i'm asking the ticket guy on a date. you think i'm joking. juan is hot. i'm sly.

3. being in an elevator

i really need to work on this. whenever it's just me and one other person in the elevator, i without fail always say "oh gosh, this is awkward. isn't it?" why do i do that? seriously? it just vomits out of my mouth. what's awkward about an elevator, you ask? sorry for thinking being in a 4 square foot box with a potential rapist is uncomfortable. i already sprayed my pepper spray in my own eyes while sitting through my summer school speech class.

4. when someone says "what's up?" and i say "good."

okay, now i'm just realizing i suck at everything socially interacting.

5. when i ask someone at a store a question and they actually don't work there.

this doesn't happen daily, but enough to where it's ridiculous that i keep making the same mistake. it mostly happens at heb because someone is wearing a that "i want to blend in with my grandmother's tope purse" tan shirt or at heb or target when someone's wearing a red polo. i need to get this together.

6. sneezing and farting at the same time.

i. kid. you. not. this has happened to me four times in my life. once when i was 11 during the taks test and TWICE this past year in classes and once in the einstein's bagels line. seriously. life hates me. snarting sucks. don't ever try it.

recap: i suck at life. you are better than i am at being any sort of social or redeeming yourself from a situation you put yourself into. this almost doubles as inspiration. and i'm your self esteem booster not-so friend. my gift to you. you're welcome.

inspiration 2.

do not long for the absence of problems in your life. that is an unrealistic goal, since in this world you will have trouble. you have an eternity of problem-free living reserved for you in heaven, rejoice in that inheritance, which no one can take away from you, but do not seek your heaven on earth.

begin each day anticipating problems, asking Him to equip you for whatever difficulties you will encounter. the best equipping is His living presence. His hand never lets go of yours. take a lighthearted view of trouble, seeing it as a challenge that you both can handle together. remember that He is on your side, and He has already overcome this world.

john 16:33, isaiah 41:13, philippians 4:13

10 annoying phrases.

oxford created a list of the 10 most irritating phrases. a few i agree with. but what better than to create my own list of 10 most irritated phrases compiled by abby? i know it's what you wanted. you're welcome.

oxford's lamesauce version:

the top ten most irritating phrases:

1 - at the end of the day

2 - fairly unique

3 - i personally

4 - at this moment in time

5 - with all due respect

6 - absolutely

7 - it's a nightmare

8 - shouldn't of

9 - 24/7

10 - it's not rocket science

one's i agree with: shouldn't of, it's not rocket science, and 24/7. why? i thought you would never ask.

shouldn't of.

this. is. not. the. english. language. i'm a grammar nazi. you don't have to tell me. you shouldn't have? you really shouldn't have.

it's not rocket science.

seriously, people use this all the time. no one even taught me what rocket science was. blame that on public school education all you want, but you don't know what it is either. tell me more than it's scientists who study rockets. how hard is that anyways? rhetorical. of course, nothing except rocket science is rocket science, idiot.

24/7

you do nothing except breathe 24/7. if even. i hold my breath throughout the day sporadically, and i know you do too.

and now for the more interesting part.

abby's not so lamesauce version:

10 - "let's just be friends."

we just broke up. we're not going to be. it's just not how society works.

9 - "it is what it is."

is it not what it isn't?

8 - "dealio", "coolio", etc.

for starters, coolio is a human being. he sucks, but is a human. a noun. not an adverb. and you just made the word harder to say and more to write in your 6th grade letter that you just stuffed in your crush's locker in 1996.

7 - "whatever."

you have zero creativity and zero comebacks.

6 - "i could care less"

you could? congratulations. i couldn't.

5 - "could be worse."

there's the comfort i was looking for.

4 - "uuuuuuuuuuuuuum."

the long, drawn out ones are terrible. this is even worse is the person um-ing (now a verb.) with a piece of gum in their mouth, because for some ungodly reason they can chew it simultaneously. they can't factor a polynomial, but can do this. blows my mind. i um can't um stand this um because um it um drops um my um iq um 100 um points. um.

3 - "did you study?"

this isn't middle school. i'm not going to pretend i didn't study and pretend like i didn't know we had a test today, get an a, and look super smart. we have a college midterm today that's worth half of my grade. yes, i studied. are you an idiot?

2 - "are you sick?" or "you look tired."

no, i'm just not wearing makeup today. thanks, though.

1 - "no offense, but"

there is a 100% chance an offensive comment is going to follow. seriously? if you have to think to say "no offense, but" then clearly you know what you're about to say is going to offend me. "no offense" doesn't get you off the hook. "no offense, but you look fat in that." you know what? no offense, but it's going to hurt when i punch you in the ovaries. both of them. go play in traffic.