creamer. no thank you.

i am almost 9 months sober of diet dr. pepper. if you know me, this is a huge deal. i would chain drink diet dr. pepper out the ying yang. since then, i switched to coffee to maintain my caffeine levels. although, i drink more fat free vanilla coffee mate creamer with a splash of coffee in it. if that's wrong, i don't want to be right.

so, this post will sound so divalicious that you might vomit. i bought a liter size (no joke.) thing of creamer last night and put it in the pi phi house's community fridge with my name on it, blah blah. pi phi's, you know where this is going. and no, i don't want to hear "welcome to living in the pi phi house." it was expected. anyways, i digress. i come downstairs, get my creamer and unscrew the lid to undo the far too difficult plastic pull-top lid. what happens? the lid is already gone. and so is about a quarter of my coffee creamer. i don't feel like doing mental gymnastics of how much creamer that is via metric system or whatever, but it's a lot. and i'm leaving it at that. everyone knows i'm not the tiniest girl on the planet. they should know i can punch their left molar out if i wanted to. they should know not to mess with my creamer. not just take some, but have the audacity to OPEN it (ps - it takes me about 5 minutes to get those, so thanks, kind of. not really.) and take some. it's like, here let me give them nine thousand hints that i took a little (and by a little i mean a good quart) of creamer. fat free creamer that i used my allowance for. the allowance that leaves me living on 30 cents for about 4 days out of the month. wamp wamp. so, dear pi phi that chose the most obvious creamer to take, you have guts. you had pi phi love and mine. kind of.

but then again, it is reassuring to know somebody else drinks as much, if not more, creamer in my coffee as i do. touche.

and i miss harold pan. ugh. kick me while i'm down.

goulet, and more as seen on tv.

i need everyone to watch this so that they catch on that i am now incessantly saying "goulet!" to fill an awkward silence. and if you know me in the slightest, awkward silences happen way too frequently. sorry about it.

"as seen on tv" is back!

the flowbee.

forget going to your barber or hair salon. choose the vaccuum cleaner that spins a blade around to cut your hair. sorry, but putting a weed eater to my head isn't exactly my first choice. i can also barely blowdry my hair with a round brush without turning my afro into knots, and i feel like this is just asking for it.

prime example. she wrote a flowbee song. i'd rather have a lawn mower run over my head.

the slim t.

call today, you have nothing to lose but any shred of manliness you had left. you're wearing a corset, sir. a morset. or man-spanx. call in the next 10 minutes to get the integrated 12 pack indentions on your stomach. also, at 1:45, i'm 95% sure that's a woman's body.

the slender shaper.

nothings funnier than something shaking my belly fat. i get a better ab workout by laughing so hard at this infomercial. and samantha, you are a terrible dancer.

at 2:40? "dolly is a housewife with weight issues." actually, dolly is a housewife that looks pretty normal besides her translucent canary yellow soff-e shorts and protruding pantyline. can the slender shaper fix that? that's what i thought.

favorite line of all? "wow, his beer belly is dancing!" goulet.

rejuvenique electrical facial mask.

i cannot even fathom doing 8 situps a second, and i have no idea how that analogy connects to my face being rejuvenated. i also cannot imagine coming home to my mom or sister wearing this terrifying mask. sorry, people wear these when they go MURDER people. i watch criminal minds. i know this stuff. i'm basically in the bau. also, the zooming eye is terrifying and is going to keep me up tonight. it's like a slender shaper for your face. goulet!

nads.

dear head of marketing, think of a worse name than nads. physically impossible? i figured. because it sounds like some sort of infectious disease or sti, such as lice or herpes. also, i swear when she was reaching into her bra to get her photos, i had one eye closed. i wasn't going to underestimate what she would unleash. can you nads your nads? totally nads. that's nad-tsatic. so nads.

this has nothing to do with anything except that it made me wet myself. going out with a bang, if you will.

goulet.

a case of the mondays.

[first and foremost, ask laura bergersen about how she got hives this weekend. actually, don't. i'm going to share with the whole internet world. laura bergersen got hives by sleeping on a carpet. just stab her with an epi pen when you see her. if that isn't weaksauce, i don't know what is.

laura bergersen's list of allergies

1) milk, dairy, cheese, lactose.

2) carpet. (shag is okay.)

3)cinnamon.

4) chocolate.

5) strawberries.

6) anesthesia.

7) small children.

8) rubber bands

9) anything with a pulse. ]

onto the true post of today,

i did more taking photos of terrible fashion around hcc. luckily for me, i didn't get caught this time. harold taught me how to be stealth. he's such a ninja.

first and foremost, hcc has greek life. i don't care what psi beta is, but i'm going to be a part of it. this sorority looks poppin'. i can't decide if the lady in the yellow in the back is the house mother or an active member. i can safely say that i'm okay with either situation. my only problem is, do i have to have a middle part to be in this? i just got over that like, a year ago.

this floor length jirt (jean-skirt, get with it.) had 2 snakes looking like they were slithering up to her waist. i. kid. you. not. if that's attractive, let me know. i'll bet when she walks they look like they're slithering. kind of like my mermaid tattoo that dances when i flex. which is all the time. (ps - how great did i do getting this picture? so nonchalant. thanks.)

popped collar? i wouldn't be surprised if she turned around and it had a huge hollister eagle or abercrombie moose on it. i'm just saying. maybe i'm just bitter because i could never fit into hollister, but that's just me. today i salute you, miss constant collar popper. you, bedecked in popped collar, teach me that i no longer have to live with a cold, back of the neck. sure, your pink alligator polo may look lame to some, but know you are a special breed. crack open a fresh bottle of candy cologne, miss abercrombie. (or is it fitch?)

the situation got his hair cut since last week, but still uses the same amount of gel. this ratio is out of control and kind of makes me nauseous for 3 tables away.

scrunchie girl/mom. she throws me for a loop. i can't decide is she's 20 years old or 35-40. the scruchie obviously means she was alive in 1994, but that doesn't change much. her face is so ambiguous, but i'm determined to find out.

and i leave you with a game. how many times can you find the name arusha on this poster? there is a bonus one, as well. clearly, she's a big deal.

the poses of defaults.

i like to categorize things, if you haven't noticed. i have ocd, it happens. far too much for my liking, actually. so, after extensive research on myspace, (aka 5 minutes of looking at ridiculous people on the homepage. they're giving out ideas like candy.) i've decided to dedicate today's post to the poses of default photos.

clearly, cropping a normal photo of you and making it your default is sub par now a days. you need to overachieve and edit the living daylights out of it so people don't recognize you when they see you in person. so learn from the champions below. i suggest taking notes, but that's just me.

disclaimer: i do not know these people. not one bit. if you know any of them, if you are related to them, if they are your best friend's step cousin on the father's side of the family twice removed, if they look like your bagger at heb, or if they look like your grandfather at age 18, i apologize. don't take it personally. on the other hand, tell them to get a new default if you have any soul or have their best interest in mind.

the self hip shot.

no matter how much you try and crop it, everyone knows you still took this by yourself. it takes away major sass points. for all i know, you most likely put the camera on the top of your dresser, turned on the self timer, and then turned on the sass. but in the end, you are still alone. by yourself. solo. solitude. alone.

the "i love my boyfriend/girlfriend" so much shot.

again, everyone knows for a fact that you are the ones taking this picture. therefore, you are not candid. "lets take a picture of us kissing, okay honey?" if this is the guy's default photo, there is a 97% chance the girlfriend forced him to make it his default to fend off all the desperate girls that would destroy their relationship. he also becomes an easy target and there is a 100% chance i will make fun of him. if it's the girl's default photo, she's too obsessed with her boyfriend. therefore, they will break up soon.

the highly saturated shot.

honey bear, people can't even see your face when you edit it this much. you look like the phantom of the opera, or you're walking around with a sheet on your head. to prove i'm human, i suffered this syndrome when i was about 12. here is a difference between photo editing and editing to where all i see is your black eye makeup and drawn on eyebrows, which are great, by the way. did you use a stencil? teach me how.

the mirror shot.

these are my favorite. you are in a mirror. you are taking a photo of yourself in the mirror. this is 412 times worse than taking a photo of yourself. it's like, rock bottom took an elevator to the earth's mantle.

why do i say mantle? because here is when the elevator goes down to the earth's core.

the mirror shot taken with a cell phone.

don't confuse the two. they're on completely different levels.

the accidental self shot.

"oh, how artsy that i have a picture of me looking down or away from the camera without me knowing. except i took of myself. how stealth am i?"

no. you're not. oh, and the picniked text at the bottom is an added bonus. two birds with one rant.

the reasons babies cry at night shot.

because this makes me want to pee myself too.

the harold pan shot.

because this should be everyone's default. it doesn't get old. ever.

celebrities, part deaux.

celebrity rants. ready, go.

50 cent.

woah, fifty. fiddy. my man. skeletor. you're freaking me out. your mug shot looked better than this. i mean, tyra banks would say that your bone structure is exquisite, but then she'd go back to talking about her cellulite and her mama, so don't get too excited. manorexia doesn't look that good on you, g unit. i was born how much you weigh right now.

vienna girardi.

the time has come. jake and vienna have broken up. the cross eyed princess is out of the picture. the world is right again. also, the success rate of bachelor/ette couples staying together is still .9%. congrats trista and ryan and jason and molly. vienna's now lost everything. she lost her extensions to ali pedofile-towsky, and now her beyond obnoxious fiance. everybody can go back to listening to "on the wings of love" without vomiting in their mouth.

idina menzel.

rainbows, butterflies, and lollipops fly out of her mouth when she sings. or speaks. or breathes with her mouth open. literally. i'm obsessed with this woman. and she's married to taye diggs. insert jealousy here.

kristen stewart.

hey k-stew. you aren't so great at acting, but you probably know this. you always look like you are as uncomfortable as a hairless chihuahua thats trying to go to the bathroom in a snowstorm. yo quiero edward.

lance bass.

i just lol-ed all over my bib. i'm not saying i peed my pants, but i'm not not saying i peed my pants just by looking at this picture. and that is all that needs to be sad.

harold pan.

because he should be famous in your book, and it doesn't get old.

hcc.

as i said yesterday, i'm spending five golden weeks of my summer at hcc for 6 hours a day. if you're jealous, i commend you. you have no brain.
as much as i hate this place, i also love to hate it. i love to find people that amuse me. due to the need to be amused while sitting through four hours of physics, i have subconsciously sacrificed any social skills i've collaborated over the years. what i haven't lost, however, is the judgment of what is fashionably acceptable and what is deplorable. (by the way, how much is my vocabulary rocking today? every time i use an SAT caliber word, a baby is born. that's how often it's happening.) in just one day alone, i've been able to provide concrete evidence that people at hcc do not know how to dress. granted, i am dressed in texas nike shorts and a navy shirt, (so captain america and frat-tastic.) but this is a whole new level. you don't even know. you. just. don't.

guido hair.
pardon, the situation. your hair became socially unacceptable once the season finale of jersey shore on january 21 (works cited: google. hcc speech has taught me not to plagiarize.) ended. i'd like to pull a sue sylvester and state that i am completely and utterly serious that the mass amounts of depp in your hair distract me from learning newton's laws and static and kinetic friction. or, i can create friction by rubbing two gelled spikes together to start a fire. or just break off a spike and poke you in the eye with it. only if i get to poke mine first. i choose the latter.

man with yamaka.
since the iphone can only do so much and my stealth skills of blending in are sub-par, this is all i could get. lucky for you, i'll give a visual. jewdlebug had a yamaka on that had dollar bills all over it with some obscure pattern. dollars bills. i have a pair of toms that look like his yamaka, and now i'm second guessing whether i will ever wear them in public again.

strapless jumpsuit.
i immediately regretted taking this photo because i forgot that she could see me in the mirror taking a photo of her, which was painfully awkward. this is also where i had the run in with mi$$ bo$$. i don't know how anyone can possibly rock a strapless jumpsuit unitard made of spandex with looks of splattered paint over it and successfully pass as fashion forward. oh, and your tag is sticking out. that is the least of my concerns.

roller backpacks.
congratulations, you two. you are as cool as i was in 6th grade. which is a negative number on a scale of 1 to 10.

pigtails and polka dots.
too much for me going on for one human body. i wish i could handle that much trauma. more power to you, pippy.

harold pan.
he wears nothing wrong. harold pan eats wrong for breakfast. without any milk. he is just worthy of being in the post, for he is the new chuck norris.

harold, a hero.

think of the most awesome living person you know. someone that's on a pedestal. someone you love to tell stories about. who is this person for me? nobody but harold pan. and for that, he deserves a tribute. because he is my favorite person to talk about when somebody asks how summer school is going.

let me explain. i won't go into depth here, because you can ask me more about him. it's far better in person. harold pan is a guy in my summer school speech class. he's had me intrigued since day one. mind you, i've said no more than about 3 sentences to him. he's more of the appreciate from afar kind of lad. he says whatever he wants, when he wants. the very first impromptu speech he had was about southwest airlines. just because he felt like it. i quote, "why i like southwest airlines. you can fly to over 70 cities and if you buy 8 round trips you get on free. yaaaay southwest airlines." he's a gem. whenever he gives a sentence about southwest airlines, an angel gets it's wings. harold pan is also obsessed with chase bank. every time he stands up to speak, he calls himself the chase bank buddy. throughout just two weeks of knowing harold, i have learned the following.

1) he only likes strawberry jelly.

2) if he wants something, he'll say it when he wants, no matter who else is talking.

3) he likes broad swords.

4) he feels good about himself when he finds pennies.

5) he likes southwest airlines and would make love to it if he could.

6) how to make a transitional phrase work no matter what you are saying.

therefore, (transitional phrase. harold loves these. he used 10 of them during his 11 minute speech that was supposed between 3 and 5 minutes.) harold deserves a tribute. i spent my golden 4 hours of physics class this morning thinking of beautiful productions that could be made with harold alone. also, i don't want these to end. with harold, impossible is nothing.

exemplary novels

my harold's keeper

lord of the harolds

confederacy of harold

angels and harold

harold pan and the goblet of fire (my personal favorite.)

a tale of two harold's

of mice & harold

the scarlet harold

a farewell to harolds

harold copperfield

movies

harold's just not that into you

harold story 3, in 3d

the book of harold

a harold to remember

harold's out of my league

the harold side

the godharold (1,2, and 3. i'll make you a harold you can't refuse.)

star wars: the harold strikes back

how to train your harold

how to lose harold in 10 days

10 things i hate about harold (impossible. i hate nothing.)

the harold club

the curious case of harold pan

forgetting harold pan (also, impossible.)

harold and the giant peach

according to harold pan

all about harold

harold hears a who

harold in wonderland (on a southwest airlines plane.)

remember the harold

finding harold

harold and the technicolor dreamcoat

along came harold

harold's new groove (i'd pay great money.)

land before harold

harold inc.

sweet home harold pan

i love you, harold pan

oh harold, where art thou?

harold pan's day off

tv shows

harold's anatomy

the secret life of harold pan

harold pantana

two and a half harold's

what i like about harold

i love more than anything for all of the above to exist. and when the 5 weeks of summer school is over, i will still know that i can fly to 70 cities with southwest airlines. thanks, harold. this flight is for you.

10 annoying phrases.

oxford created a list of the 10 most irritating phrases. a few i agree with. but what better than to create my own list of 10 most irritated phrases compiled by abby? i know it's what you wanted. you're welcome.

oxford's lamesauce version:

the top ten most irritating phrases:

1 - at the end of the day

2 - fairly unique

3 - i personally

4 - at this moment in time

5 - with all due respect

6 - absolutely

7 - it's a nightmare

8 - shouldn't of

9 - 24/7

10 - it's not rocket science

one's i agree with: shouldn't of, it's not rocket science, and 24/7. why? i thought you would never ask.

shouldn't of.

this. is. not. the. english. language. i'm a grammar nazi. you don't have to tell me. you shouldn't have? you really shouldn't have.

it's not rocket science.

seriously, people use this all the time. no one even taught me what rocket science was. blame that on public school education all you want, but you don't know what it is either. tell me more than it's scientists who study rockets. how hard is that anyways? rhetorical. of course, nothing except rocket science is rocket science, idiot.

24/7

you do nothing except breathe 24/7. if even. i hold my breath throughout the day sporadically, and i know you do too.

and now for the more interesting part.

abby's not so lamesauce version:

10 - "let's just be friends."

we just broke up. we're not going to be. it's just not how society works.

9 - "it is what it is."

is it not what it isn't?

8 - "dealio", "coolio", etc.

for starters, coolio is a human being. he sucks, but is a human. a noun. not an adverb. and you just made the word harder to say and more to write in your 6th grade letter that you just stuffed in your crush's locker in 1996.

7 - "whatever."

you have zero creativity and zero comebacks.

6 - "i could care less"

you could? congratulations. i couldn't.

5 - "could be worse."

there's the comfort i was looking for.

4 - "uuuuuuuuuuuuuum."

the long, drawn out ones are terrible. this is even worse is the person um-ing (now a verb.) with a piece of gum in their mouth, because for some ungodly reason they can chew it simultaneously. they can't factor a polynomial, but can do this. blows my mind. i um can't um stand this um because um it um drops um my um iq um 100 um points. um.

3 - "did you study?"

this isn't middle school. i'm not going to pretend i didn't study and pretend like i didn't know we had a test today, get an a, and look super smart. we have a college midterm today that's worth half of my grade. yes, i studied. are you an idiot?

2 - "are you sick?" or "you look tired."

no, i'm just not wearing makeup today. thanks, though.

1 - "no offense, but"

there is a 100% chance an offensive comment is going to follow. seriously? if you have to think to say "no offense, but" then clearly you know what you're about to say is going to offend me. "no offense" doesn't get you off the hook. "no offense, but you look fat in that." you know what? no offense, but it's going to hurt when i punch you in the ovaries. both of them. go play in traffic.

the categories of not-so friends.

you have a lot of friends. neat, congratulations. but out of those friends, i know you have at least one that will fit into each of these categories. don't feel guilty, you're not a bad person.

the stalker.

this is the most common of the not-so friends, because they require the most effort to fend off. they want to know everything you're doing, when you're doing it, and how you're doing it. want to know? okay, i'm sitting pantless in my bed reading harry potter with celine dion's "taking chances" whispering me sweet nothings in the background. now will you leave me alone? oh, you want to join? good lord, i underestimated you. you "run into" them on occasion, and by occasion i mean daily, but when you think about it they probably saw your tweet, facebook status, or were sitting the next street over waiting to follow you.

the karen.

if you don't know of "the karen," then 1) you don't watch dane cook (in which, you are a disgrace.) or 2) you are the karen and your friends don't want to bring up the stand up joke because that's painfully awkward. the karen is the friend nobody likes. everyone is nice to karen's face, but the second she leaves to go to the bathroom, eeeeeeveryone's talking about how lame karen is and how much everyone hates her. she's the source of all jokes. the insult of all insults. the fallback when you run out of other things to talk about with someone. the whole shebang. oh, and if you think that your group doesn't have a karen, then you are the karen. congrats, karen, you're the mvp of not-so friends.

the self esteem booster.

the friend that just makes you feel a little more confident that you are possibly accomplishing more in life. they're a great person, but could be dumber than an armadillo. bless them. you raise me up so i can stand on mountains.

the too cool to be friends with me-er.

self explanatory. they make you feel like you're cool. which lasts about a whopping five seconds. now that i think about it, i probably have this cooler not-so friend so that i can be their self esteem booster not-so friend. to be determined.

the class one.

this is the person you sit next to in one class. your friendship is based on a mere 2 hours a week together, and mostly because you're talking complete trash about your teacher. all you know is their name, their major, and their grade in the class. if your grade is higher, you've killed two birds with one stone with the self esteem booster and the class not-so friend. how economically friendly and convential. the second you take the final exam, you won't hear from them again. peace out, girl scout.

the competitive one/one-upper.

i looooove to hate this this champ. i'm competitive. there, i said it. my conflict resolution is competitiveness (thanks, pi phi leading with values for reminding me i'm relentless.) although, that's where i stop. this not-so friend is also the one-up friend. so annoying. wahwah my life is worse, wahwah i got a higher score, wahwah my dogs purple and was born before yours, wahwah you have a pool? i have an ocean in my backyard. although, penelope from snl makes me wet my pants and fall out of my chair while portraying this friend perfectly. she does a far better job than i do. she'll even tell you so, sooooooooo.

the we should hang out soon friend.

at least this person is consistent. the only thing they ever say to you in "we should get together soon!" you won't. let's be honest.

and my personal favorite,

the i've-never-met-you-in-person-but-we're-on-facebook-friend.

these are the best, especially for the first time you meet them. like, "hi, i'm savannah." and i'm all like "oh girl, i know. you also went to blahblahblah high school and played volleyball and ~*~iT's YouR LyFeEeE~*~ and your boyfriend broke up with you last week and you had a crazy time at that party last weekend. was that in your "the road goes on forever, but the party never ends" album? i loved it. i'm sorry, too far? i'm abby, nice to meet you. i'll just let myself out."

not-so friends are the best. fin.

bad driving.

what annoys the living daylights out of me? bad drivers. i know you know what i'm talking about. they make you late, make you mad, or make you throw out that occasional word of choice that your mother would wash your mouth out with soap if she heard. simple as that. although, the types of bad drivers is a true delicacy; a science even. if you fall into any of these categories, sorry. it's not personal. okay, it is. being a teenager, i'm the best driver on the road. believe it.

the no blinker but surprise, i'm turning.

i don't care how cheap your car is. it came with a blinker. don't try to prove otherwise. if anything, using your blinker gives your left arm a workout, and keeps me from screaming in your face. what a win win situation.

the i have to come to a complete stop before i make a right turn.

seriously? don't go up on two wheels, now. you're out of control. your alignment and shocks will be fine, you can turn a little faster. this tends to be a common trend among women.

the i boom my bass to make you want to punch a baby.

excuse me, your bass is so loud i can't even tell what song you're listening to. the best educated guess that i can make is that it's in the rap genre. you're also interrupting my jam session to wicked or glee with your incessant bass earthquake.

the i'm going to honk my horn because the light just turned green.

here is my usual routine. i'm behind somebody at a green light, and they're not going. i'll say "come onnn. helloooo?" and then count to three. and then honk. common courtesy. getting honked at is embarrassing. but these jerks are the guys that honk the second the light has turned green. i'm sorry, is this a horse race? can you give me 2 seconds to move my foot from the brake to the gas pedal? because of this, i drive through the intersection as slow as possible.

the i brake every five seconds.

i really don't know what's trying to be accomplished here. do you have ocd and have to brake as a ritual? are you just paranoid they won't work like they did five seconds ago? are you braking at a green light just in case it turns yellow? are you braking to the beat of your music? (guilty.) not to be prejudice, but usually the people doing this are wearing these orthotic shoes as shown above.

the i'm going to be the slow car in the left lane.

i want to punch you in the mouth. that is all.

the tailgater.

i'm already speeding in the left lane. this should be sufficient. get off my tail, i'm not scared of you and your "get 'er done" bumper stickers. i don't care how many times you rev your f350 engine at me, really. actually, to make you even more frustrated, i'll make sure i'm even with the car in the next lane.

but i'm a good driver. i promise.