bad lyrics, part two.

oh poor music lyrics, you are so good to me.

ps sorry for not posting this week. 1) i'm going to bed at 830 every night recovering from my trip and 2) i can't get my mind off my trip and i want to go back to haiti, so sass takes a backseat. sorry about it.

love the way you lie - eminem

this song is the tory burch knockoff of "airplanes." throw in a verse of rap, then slow singing. really. except that eminem is sorry compared to b.o.b. what does b.o.b. even stand for? box of bums. bunks on beds. bops on brains. something like that. but, anyways.

"now you get to watch her leave out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane."

this pun/play on words is just about as good as my high school economics teacher's. the man that hits you with his belly when he walks by and says "excuse you." talk about a fun sucker. pane/pain. it hurts my soul. come on, skittle boy. m&m. see? my jokes are better. i'll just stand there and watch you burn. but it's alright because you like the way it hurts.

sk8r boi - avril lavigne

that hurt my fingers just to type. an 8 should never be in a word.

"he was a boy, she was a girl, can i make it any more obvious?"

no. human anatomy is as obvious as it gets. but thanks for offering to help. sorry a-boot it.

all the things i've done - the killers

"i've got soul but i'm not a soldier."

not only is this lyric dumb, but it gets dumber all 500 times he says it. repetition for effect? repetition for nausea. it's kind of like saying i've got bills but i'm not a billfold. i've got cheese, but i'm not a cheesegrater. you tell me how much sense that makes.

ironic - alanis morrisette

"it's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife, isn't is ironic, don't you think? it's like rain on your wedding day, it's a free ride when you've already paid."

clearly alanis didn't take english class. she didn't learn the true definition of irony.

i·ro·ny

¹    [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-] Show IPA

–noun, plural -nies.

1.

the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite ofits literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” whenI said I had to work all weekend.

2.

Literature .

a.

a technique of indicating, as through character or plotdevelopment, an intention or attitude opposite to thatwhich is actually or ostensibly stated.

b.

(esp. in contemporary writing) a manner of organizing awork so as to give full expression to contradictory orcomplementary impulses, attitudes, etc., esp. as ameans of indicating detachment from a subject, theme,or emotion.

3.

Socratic irony.

4.

dramatic irony.

5.

an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might havebeen, expected.

6.

the incongruity of this.

7.

an objectively sardonic style of speech or writing.

8.

an objectively or humorously sardonic utterance, disposition,quality, etc.

that's not irony, alanis. that's just a "your life sucks" moment. if it rains on my wedding day, i wouldn't say "look at this irony!" i would say "look at this rain. this sucks." oh man, i have ten thousand spoons. but all i need is a knife. so ironic. hah.

my first kiss - 3oh!3 and ke$ha

first off, too many symbols within the name. again, fingers are burning. oh, the things i do for my 4 readers.

"my first kiss went a little like this, smoooooch and twist."

take notes, because this is the two step formula. maybe now that i know this, i'll magically get a boyfriend. (if you took that seriously, i will punch you in the mouth, because you do not know me at all. ha. me in a relationship makes me laugh out loud a little bit.)

take me back to haiti.

goulet, and more as seen on tv.

i need everyone to watch this so that they catch on that i am now incessantly saying "goulet!" to fill an awkward silence. and if you know me in the slightest, awkward silences happen way too frequently. sorry about it.

"as seen on tv" is back!

the flowbee.

forget going to your barber or hair salon. choose the vaccuum cleaner that spins a blade around to cut your hair. sorry, but putting a weed eater to my head isn't exactly my first choice. i can also barely blowdry my hair with a round brush without turning my afro into knots, and i feel like this is just asking for it.

prime example. she wrote a flowbee song. i'd rather have a lawn mower run over my head.

the slim t.

call today, you have nothing to lose but any shred of manliness you had left. you're wearing a corset, sir. a morset. or man-spanx. call in the next 10 minutes to get the integrated 12 pack indentions on your stomach. also, at 1:45, i'm 95% sure that's a woman's body.

the slender shaper.

nothings funnier than something shaking my belly fat. i get a better ab workout by laughing so hard at this infomercial. and samantha, you are a terrible dancer.

at 2:40? "dolly is a housewife with weight issues." actually, dolly is a housewife that looks pretty normal besides her translucent canary yellow soff-e shorts and protruding pantyline. can the slender shaper fix that? that's what i thought.

favorite line of all? "wow, his beer belly is dancing!" goulet.

rejuvenique electrical facial mask.

i cannot even fathom doing 8 situps a second, and i have no idea how that analogy connects to my face being rejuvenated. i also cannot imagine coming home to my mom or sister wearing this terrifying mask. sorry, people wear these when they go MURDER people. i watch criminal minds. i know this stuff. i'm basically in the bau. also, the zooming eye is terrifying and is going to keep me up tonight. it's like a slender shaper for your face. goulet!

nads.

dear head of marketing, think of a worse name than nads. physically impossible? i figured. because it sounds like some sort of infectious disease or sti, such as lice or herpes. also, i swear when she was reaching into her bra to get her photos, i had one eye closed. i wasn't going to underestimate what she would unleash. can you nads your nads? totally nads. that's nad-tsatic. so nads.

this has nothing to do with anything except that it made me wet myself. going out with a bang, if you will.

goulet.

all the things i've done wrong in 3 days.

[ before truly beginning, i'm going to complain. feel free to skip this part.

1) my computer won't connect to wifi, so i am posting while connected to a dinosaur ethernet cable and i want to punch a kitten because of it because i am completely dependent on my computer due to my lack of a social life.

2) i was walking to the office with a cup of blackberries and spilled them all over the counter. i hope my father enjoys purple tie-dyed tax return sheets and bank statements. sorry about it.

typical tuesday. WOMP WOMP. ]

this also may be the most a.d.d. and scatterbrained post i will ever make, for i have a plethora, cornucopia, and a myriad of funny ideas (probably only to me.) whirling around in my head.

i found a website consisting of ridiculous (but real) college courses.

just when you thought your semester was looking exciting, you get shown up.

english and literature category

harry potter literature - ohio state

they're more than just a fun read. does this count as british literature?

those sexy victorians - ole miss

they're showing an ankle. sexy, m'lady.

evlish: the language of "lord of the rings" - university of wisconsin

here's the condensed crash course to get you to pass: just english in a creepy voice that sounds like you just woke up with tuberculosis and breathing fire at the same time. you are welcome.

history category

sex, rugs, salt & coal - cornell

an ivy league school. ivy league. they have the time and tolerance to come up with a play on words pun for sex, drugs, and rock and roll and make it a class? goulet.

this class includes - sexual education (i hope coach perkins teaches), information about persia, a little chemistry NaCl business, and a little history about coal miners and the gold rush. a grab bag of subjects. cornell is well rounded.

psychology/sociology category

the american vacation - university of iowa

learn more about what you did last summer.

whiteness: the other side of racism - mount holyoke college

if this makes sense to you, let me know, and you can explain it.

alien sex - university of rochester

prerequisites:

1) must believe in aliens

2) must have taken sex, rugs, and salt & coal

the good, the bad, the revolting - alfred university

what makes you smile, what makes you cry, and what makes you vomit. soul search.

technology

lego robotics - mit

people who go into the cia go to mit. mit has classes like lego robotics. i'm moving to canada.

the "arts"

nuthin' but a 'g' thang - oberlin experimental college

i think you can figure this one out.

underwater basket weaving - reed college

remember 5 years ago when i used to use this as my joke for what my hobbies included? it really exists. like how i just found out narwhales exist. blew my mind. next santa will really be real. spoiler alert, kiddos. sorry.

the art of sin and the sin of art - rhode island school of design

the antithesis in the course title alone blows my mind. sinning is a art. art-ing is a sin.

physical education

tree climbing - cornell

now i understand why everyone wants to go there. if you never learned when you were 6 how to climb a tree, you can spend 40,000 dollars a year leaning how at the collegiate level. at an ivy league school.

knitting for noobs - oberlin experimental college

i don't know what to make of the oberlin school. they use the word "noobs" in a college course title. judging. judging so hard.

getting dressed - princeton

THIS IS THE TOP UNIVERSITY IN THE COUNTRY. i never type in caps, but that was worth it. they have classes like getting dressed. like everyone there is 80 years old and has an occupational therapist so they need to take the class to do it themselves.

that's that.

in the past 3 days, i have:

peed myself in a kayak this weekend by accident.

just in case word got around, i admitted it. it takes the blow. unless you would have never found out. i really, really, really need to get this together soon.

been accidentally racist.

in physics class, my teacher asked "who's used a hydraulic pump on their car to raise it and make it bounce?" and one person raised their hand. who? the one hispanic person (the situation, actually.) in our class. cue me being accidentally racist by laughing out loud.

i have a sufficient argument though. all i could think of when i looked over was picturing the car in napoleon dynamite that picks up deb for the dance with the situation in it. bumpin' and grindin'. still in a hole? i'm fine with that.

had the funniest conversation of my life with lela crump.

let me begin by saying i am incredibly sassy in the morning. lela as well. mix well and put in the oven for 12 minutes and you have a great big ball of sass. serve with a scoop of vanilla ice cream for utter delight.

(this conversation is probably only funny to me and her, but you're going to see glimpses of it anyways. when we are 30 in the real working world, this will be our gchat conversations, so this is only the beginning.)

lela: i waited all weekend for a text.

abby: from me? i don't understand.

lela: i always secretly expect a random "here's my awkward moment" text.

abby: oh, right. well i saved it all up. i was in isolation with no foreign contact.

blah blah blah, uneventful. cue lela saying a sentence that cannot be repeated.

abby: never have i felt so molested yet satisfied by a sentence.

lela: thats an awfully complex feeling. perhaps like being assaulted by sue sylvester.

abby: i couldn't have said it better myself. or idina menzel. at the same time.

lela: with idina, there is no assault, unless it is of my mind by her greatness.

abby: true. okay, here it is. i'm getting assaulted by sue sylvester with idina menzel as music in the background. check and mate. pun intended.

lela: it must be live music.

abby: no. that's a killer. it's setting me up for failure in front of idina.

lela: the thought of any of that happening shred me of any ounce of innocence i had. congrats.

abby: you are now in negative values. congrats. and if you took the absolute value of that you would have my iq squared. that much.

lela: making it worse. i have to drain my brain because it is so full of vomit. can we have our own show yet?

abby: can we call it the suck?

lela: absolutely.

abby: it's like the view on steroids, minus rosie o'donnell.

lela: plus we'll have viewers.

abby: did you get my picture with harold? because now i feel i can cure all life threatening diseases.

lela: i never commented back about that picture because of the amount of urine caused water damage on my phone.

abby: understandable. i peed my pants on a kayak this weekend because i tooted on a plastic boat and i think the neighbors heard. the world is my oyster. and by oyster i mean septic system.

lela: the only woman that works at this entire oil rig factory's name is ernastine. hello, the 60's.

abby: or it's like "dynasty" or "her-nasty." aaaaand im back on top.

lela: winner.

abby: after a short word from our sponsors, the suck is back.

lela: musical guest, or overrated?

abby: depends. is it idina? oh no, is this sue sylvester shindig happening on national television? will i be blurred? is there is a live audience?

lela: not every time, everytime, no, and yes.

abby: how did you know all the right answers?

lela: you asked the alternate google. i'm eating this chicken noodle soup which is powder mixed with water.

abby: sounds like astronaut food.

lela: it would be a whole lot better in space.

abby: would the sue sylvester shindig be better in space? clearly defying gravity would be sung. it's only appropriate.

abby: i'm totally okay with the amount of time i spend youtube idina menzel.

lela: i'm not sure i am. but you accept me, so i accept you.

abby: take me for what i am.

and then class ended. and if you read all of that, sweet. if not, i understand. it's probably only funny to me. that's okay.